


Retrouvailles

by Alfish



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Schizophrenia, Suicide mention, Torso!Tsukiyama, self-harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 13:19:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2509226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alfish/pseuds/Alfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you thought your hopes couldn't be lower, you smelled something really familiar, which will finally drag you outside with another purpose beside eating.</p><p>Tsukiyama's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	Retrouvailles

**Author's Note:**

> Oh God, my first fanfiction in english.

You were panting, bleeding and close to lose your mind, if it wasn’t already done. This unknown but familiar scent was going to end you, mentally and physically. Your head was fuzzy, everything looked blurry and your glare was always switching between your two opponents. Damn those two, why did they smell so much like _him_ ?

 

The day started in the same way it always did : the morning sun would let some rays pass through the shutter window, waking you up. Well, not really, since your eyes weren’t closed. It’s been years you couldn’t sleep properly, and that was killing you because you couldn’t see _him_ in your dreams. Kaneki. Your love. You never had the guts to tell him that he meant everything to you. Though, in the past, you weren’t so sure about your feelings toward him and kept struggling with it. Was it hunger ? Lust ? Love ? Now you knew. No, you realized it when he left. But does it really matter now ? He never came back, and he surely won’t.

You were lying on the floor, a torso in your arms. That night you completely lost it and started doing awkward things with this bloody mutilated piece of meat. You acted like it was Kaneki. How ridiculous. If you had enough strength, you would have slapped yourself but instead you let go of the body and rolled on your other side. You couldn’t remember his face anymore, it’s been so long. His voice was still haunting you though, and it was painful. So painful. You thought about killing yourself so many times. You mutilated yourself too, but you quickly realized that it won’t bring him back.

You shaked your head a little to chase these thoughts away. It felt like it was full of cotton but you were used to it. You stared at what was surrounding you : cans of coffee, filthy knives and scissors (you couldn’t tell if it was the victims’ blood or yours) and pictures taken by Chie. She was so nice, always trying to cheer you up. You didn’t really understand why she was doing that though, what was she gaining from it ? Nothing. You could even lose it and eat her if you were starving, but you wouldn’t find the strength to. Kanae also tries to do something when he comes visit you but he always ends up crying. In the end, it still didn't matter. It won’t bring him back.

You tried saying his name but it ended up into tears, as usual. You couldn’t even talk anymore, having a tchat with someone was now so much work. You felt sorry for Chie and Kanae, they were probably thinking you became mentally disabled or something. You wished you could apologize for saddening them but you physically couldn’t.

That’s when it hit you. The window was a bit open, so you could hear the birds tweeting and smell the wet grass since it rained last night. You could also smell the humans walking pass your “house”, but this time you could smell another thing. It was human, but ghoul. Kaneki ?! Was it Kaneki ?!! You panicked, trying to stand up but miserably failing. You tried calming yourself down and slowly sat down, then stand up, holding to the wall to not fall again. The person was already far away and you started to mentally insult yourself when all of a sudden you smelled a second one. T-Two Kaneki ?…Your view was full of statics which made you sat down once again. God dammit, if God even exists. If he does, then why did Kaneki die ? Anyway, if you didn’t hurry, you’d lose them both from your sight, so you stood up with all your strength. Too much strength. You almost tripped on the dead body – who had spilled blood everywhere on the floor – and almost fell down like the pathetic but desperate dumbass you were. You were about to run but, where ? Should you jump from the window or rush to the door ? The door was definitely less suspicious so you ran to it. It’s close. Shit, you didn’t have time for this. The two mysterious beings already passed the house and if you didn’t hurry it would be over. All hope would be gone. Kaneki. You wanted to see Kaneki so much, you wanted to hug him, cuddle, _kiss_ him and tell him how much you missed him, how much you cared about him. 

As you were muttering his name, you finally found the keys and violently open the door, letting it open behind you. _Calmato_ , you told yourself. People would notice it if you began to run. Especially since you didn’t take a shower for so many months and you just noticed that you were covered in blood. You were shaking now, these anxious thoughts wouldn’t stop. Was it really Kaneki ? They were pretty far away now, should you run ? Walk ? What if someone noticed you ? You were standing in front of the door, not moving, were you even breathing ? You couldn’t tell. You tried to calm down but it barely worked. It never worked. You finally noticed that nobody was around which wasn’t very surprising since it’s, like, six in the morning. 

The minute after you were already jumping from rooftops to rooftops. You almost failed and tripped at some point, and you whispered to yourself “ _Dolce_.” Gosh, it’s been months that you didn’t use those fancy words. Years. You were probably too busy cutting yourself for that. Cutting yourself. Regeneration. Infinite cutting. You’ve been so pathetic, no wonder why Chie and Kanae looked at you in such a depressed way. You laughed out loud at yourself. Was it really your laugh, your voice ? It sounded so broken, but you still smiled. You were going to see Kaneki, after all these years ! As you were coming closer to the two you were after, you started to feel alive again.

  
They both stopped in a dark alley, next to each other. They weren’t moving, just standing and it seems like they were arguing ? You couldn’t tell, the tinnitus that you’ve been having for a while was as loud as ever. But you didn’t care. You were standing on a pretty high building and you could have totally jumped to meet them but you hesitated for two reasons : first, your body had weakened for obvious reasons. Second, you weren’t sure if it was Kaneki anymore. You sat down, afraid to lose your balance. You wasn’t used to such excitement, not anymore. You sniffed the air again. It was definitely not Kaneki’s scent. You wanted to cry. You were pretty sure that it was one-eyed ghouls’ scent but it was different from what you could have smelled before. So familiar yet so different. You struggled between getting closer – which means encounter them – and giving up. Not because you were lazy, but because you were confused and scared. You wasn’t used to this anymore. Yes, you killed someone the other day, but that wasn't the same thing !

You noticed that they stopped talking. They were still there, but they stopped from whatever they were doing. Did…Did they notice you ? Now focusing on the smell, you noticed another one that you also knew very well. Blood, dead bodies. More specifically, ghouls’. You were now even more confused. Only Kaneki would do that, right ? Cannibalising ghouls. But there can’t be two Kane- Something cut you off. You heard something, you were sure. You didn’t know what it was, but something happened. Kaneki’s voice ? Was it real or was it another hallucination ?

 

“Hey, ye heard meh or wha ?! Ho long are you goin’ to stand dere just like dat ?!”

 

It was coming from under you. The two person now looked like they were looking up to you. Wait, they were indeed looking at you. How was that possible ? Was it real ?

 

“Yo stink man.”

 

It was definitely real. One of them was talking to you. Okay then. You couldn’t turn back now anyway. You jumped. From the high building. Good fucking job. You realized your mistake while falling ; you kept forgetting your body wasn’t as strong as it used to be. You also noticed that the building wasn’t as high as you thought, or maybe it was just due to the fact that you already hit the ground. Your right leg made a crack noise and muffled sound of pain came from your mouth. What a freaking idiot, you could have died but thank God you ate last night.

 

“Ow man, dat probably hurt like hell.”

 

Kneeling, you looked up to the one talking to you. It’s been a while you didn’t hear another voice beside Chie’s, Kanae’s and Kaneki’s ghost’s. This new one sounded really gross though. And he did look gross as well after all. The first thing you noticed about him was his teeth, sharpened. But, like, really fucking sharpened. What the hell. His eyes looked weird too and his whole face was disgusting anyway. His hair was also oddly shaped. You didn’t want to look at this any longer, so you stared at the other one instead. He had purple hair like you, his eyes were literally triangle shaped and he had two dots under his left eye. He was also listening to music and you wondered if he was even listening to his partner’s words – who couldn’t even make proper sentence.

 

“Seems like it’s raining ghouls now.” Sighed the purple haired one as he approached you. “What’s your name ? At least be useful before dying so we can list you.”

 

Dying ? What was he talking about ?

 

“Cookie ! I saw dis one first ! Yo can’t just kill him off like dat ! He’s mine !”

 

As your legs began to heal, you quickly glared at the bodies and you started hyperventilating. You didn’t understand what was going on anymore. Where was Kaneki ? Please be here. Not as a dead body, but be alive.

 

“No answers ? Doesn’t matter, you look like an average ghoul anyway.”

 

Your head was spinning, you couldn’t even tell who was talking. Even though your leg was almost done regenerating, it felt like it was going to explode. You could feel your heartbeat through your whole body. All you knew was that those two killed what are now dead bodies all around you since you could smell their blood on their clothes. Clothes. The purple haired’s coat. It looked familiar but also weird on a ghoul. Was he even a ghoul ? Anyway, you know where you’ve seen this before. It was the freaking CCG coat, as white as a dove. Your thoughts were racing so quickly, you didn’t know why you were here in the first place anymore. The only thing you knew is that they wanted to kill you, so you’ll never have a chance to see your lover again.

Your kagune violently emerged from your shoulder and you was finally able to stand up. Your kakugans turned red too. The purple haired guy backed off, and the other one asked :

 

“Can dis guy even talk ?”

 

You couldn’t really focus on what was happening but that guy pissed you off. There was a ghoul right in front of you, ready to kill and all he could do was wondering why you didn’t answer ? Was this a joke ? Was this even real life ? Were you dead all along and God was mocking you from the start ? All of your body was on fire and, your mind full of mixed feelings including anger and anxiety, you jumped right in front of that annoying shark asshole and impaled him. That felt good. He was spitting blood on your face though, so you let go of him.

As you turned toward the other one, your view was full of static, you felt like throwing up but all you had in mind was to kill. Kill, and kill and kill. They won’t be taking you the hope of seeing Kaneki again. If you ever happened to die this young, it will only be by suicide. No other choices. Dying from something else was impossible.

The purple guy looked calm. Way too calm. You wanted to end him, to hear him scream. Saving the best parts to eat wasn’t part of your plans anymore, you didn’t care. You just wanted them dead. You heard a laugh. It was yours. It’s so funny ! You couldn’t tell what was real and which ones were hallucinations ! All these years you were seeing the last time you’ve talked to Kaneki, that time on the roof. This view was still there ! Even though you couldn't remember his face anymore, it was still haunting you ! Wasn’t that wonderful ?! You’ll be seeing Kaneki forever !

One step. Just one. And the dead body under you, the one you just killed, grasped your tie hard, pulling you. You weren’t even surprised anymore, at least if that guy wasn’t dead then Kaneki could be alive too, somewhere. You looked up to the one that was standing in front of you, and you noticed that all this time he was struggling opening his case.

 

“Fuck this shit.” he said as he threw the case away.

 

“Ahahaha ! How funny ! Dat trick always work !” laughed the voice that was under you. It was the dead guy. When his eye turned red, you knew something bad was going to happen.

 

The purple haired man’s eye turned red as well, and a kagune similar to yours came out of one of his shoulder. He was casually running at you, like it was something he’s been doing everyday. You were just too lost to even bother kick the corpse of the shark boy or dodge the attack. Why were you here.

It almost impaled you. Congrats, you had enough strength – physically and mentally – to do something. You just stepped on the shark dude’s face which made the kagune teared your right arm, shoulder and kagune apart. The blood splattered on the zombie’s face, which made him let go of your tie and make surprised noises.

You would have run if you could, but you were so done. The pain was so intense it felt like you were dying, which made you rely on one of your leg, staring at the ground. Actually, you were pretty sure you were going to die here. In your state, overpowering them was impossible. Running would be useless. You didn’t even know if you could talk, you didn’t try and really, you didn’t want to. Your life will end here, in this dark alley, where no one will find you, and that’s it. Not even Kaneki, who didn’t really care about you anyway, would find you. You were right, even if he appeared to be alive, he would probably reject you. You were just his “sword”, which was just an excuse of yours to follow him. Even if you became able to talk to him again, he would always consider you like someone that nobody should trust, ever. And it was understandable. You made many mistakes – and huge ones – in the past. You deserved what was happening. The price was death. At least if Kaneki was really dead, you would see him in heaven. Oh wait, you’ll probably go to hell. You hoped he has a good time up there.

The fact that the right part of your body was missing reminded you of the cathedral, when you kidnapped that chick just to eat Kaneki. Plan that ended up miserably. You remembered how sweet the boy was back then. He was so innocent, he didn’t deserve all of this ghoul bullshit. And you were part of this bullshit, back in the cathedral, with the gourmet restaurant. You noticed that you never actually apologized to him, and you started crying. It was too late now. Literally, for him and you. Your love had a heroic death, and here you were, going to die like a random ghoul. It wasn’t the worst part, but the fact that these two guys smelled almost like Kaneki was driving you insane and even more depressed.

 

“Cookie !! Pay attention of what yer doing, I’m covered in blood now !”

 

“Yeah, sorry for that.” he said like he couldn’t care less.

 

“Did he pass out alive ?” shark boy asked, staring at you.

 

“Of course not (dumbass, what are you even talking about). Now hurry and let’s k-. Oh well, look at this. A ghoul crying. I’ve never seen that before.”

 

“He’s probably tryin’ to trick us into thinking ghouls have feelings too, lol !”

 

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “Just impaling him will certainly be enough to kill him.”

 

“What da ya mean ?! I found him ! I have to kill him !”

 

You couldn't see anything but the ground, you were hearing voices but you couldn't tell whose, if it was your mind tricking you or reality. Suddenly, everything was gone. All you could see was the purple haired dove running toward you, kagune in front of him. Your body was screaming to move, but you mentally gave up. You didn't want to suffer anymore, and more than anything you wanted to see Kaneki again, in the after-life. This thought comforted you and for a second, you smiled.

Many, many thoughts passed through your mind before it happened. You realized that the “you'll see your whole life before dying” thing was just a myth, because all you could see was the one you loved. Finally, you were going to see him again.

Then, you felt something cold passing through your body, and everything turned white.


End file.
